Where did you go?

I'll bet that this is a very frequent occurrence.  Someone starts a blog and keeps it going for a time, then suddenly drops off, leaving the followers wondering what happened to the author.  In some cases, blogs end up abandoned or eventually pulled by the hosting service as an inactive account (hard disk space is cheap, but a little bit added up over time makes a difference).

I had actually considered abandoning this blog.  Why?  Because I felt I had pretty much achieved my objective.  I wanted to write a diary about my tights experience starting from the very beginning, and comb through all of my memories about it as a therapeutic exercise.  It actually helped, quite a bit in fact. It was certainly a trip down memory lane. I put myself in touch with some memories I had left dormant for several decades. But it was also enjoyable too. I can look back on myself with amusement of how I struggled but also how I enjoyed wearing tights and the way I developed the interest over time.  When I was a pre-teen, I never ever thought that I'd find myself still wearing tights several decades later, not to mention having several super stretchy neck to toe Lycra unitards, but also come to see tights "opened up" as an athletic garment for men (outside of ballet).

If I were to abandon it, all of this work would be lost.  A site like this won't likely be captured by the "Way Back Machine" website (the "Internet Archive"), and in fact I checked--it isn't there.  So it would be a good idea to try keeping it alive.

I don't have a lot of followers... 8 in total as of this writing.  Only a few have written to me, expressing gratitude or sharing similar perspectives. But it's amazing to see how I seem to get hundreds of views every week, with a grand total of over 26,000 page view hits since the blog began under a year ago. Well, I do hope it never goes viral--that would be embarrassing! But I do have compassion for those people who have gone down a similar road as me, and how my writings may help them in one way or another.

So my intention is to keep it going.


On a side note, it's interesting to see what else is out there, in terms of guys writing about the interest of wearing tights. While the down economy put a major hole in the "male tights" garment category (the major European hosiery maker Gerbe has dropped all of their men's tights products), there are still plenty of guys buying them from other makers.  And a number of blogs continue to push forward, documenting the interest and even posting reviews of tights.

Do a simple "hosiery for men" Google search and immediately you will find hits for sites that sell tights for men, as well as blogs about the subject. Two blogs I immediately noticed are "Hosiery for Men" and "Tights for Men" (I won't link them here for privacy reasons, but do a search and you'll find them).  While the former is quite active with tons of reviews of tights made for both women and men, the latter appears to be inactive but having amassed quite a lot of content. I was actually impressed with the tights reviews published on both sites.  Lots of helpful tips in finding good quality tights for yourself, whether you're a man or a woman.  :-)

A stitch in time and a run can change your mind

In my last post, I brought up some ideas as to why a tights fetish can develop and perpetuate.  Of course this was a generalization, not a rule, as each person is different.  We all have our own unique psychological makeup that drives us, defines our needs, and affects the way we see things.

Some of us continue to carry shame for the fetish, while others embrace it or even try to ignore it.  In the end, what is most important is to find peace.  Sometimes finding that peace means making a sacrifice.  What do I mean?

Well, let's say you have grown to adore wearing tights and can't imagine never wearing them ever again (for sexual interest).  The sacrifice would be losing relationship possibilities.  While it's easy for someone to say "A woman with a loving and open mind will accept this as part of who I am," the fact is that most women will find it strange and difficult to accept.  Why?  Because it's a threat in two ways:  1) Sexual identity ("my man is showing a feminine side too prominently--maybe he secretly wants to be a woman or has gay tendencies?"), and 2) Sexual mistrust ("Maybe he finds this fetish more satisfying than me?").  Despite verbal reassurances to the contrary, once the perception is set it is very hard to uproot it.

On the other hand, the other sacrifice is to "mute" the fetish desire and try putting it behind you, in favor of keeping the risk out of relationships.  If you have a strong satisfying sexual relationship with a woman, that could overshadow whatever joy you got from the fetish, allowing you to try "disowning" it.  But the mind is a tricky thing.  There may come a day when you're separated from your girlfriend or wife for a long period, or happen to a see a woman wearing tights in a very sexy way that conjures up old feelings that beg to be satisfied.

Taking a moment to pause -- and ask why

[... I realize it has been a while since I've written.  Life has been a bit complicated on my side, and so priorities pushed this little blog into the corner, under a pile of debris.  But, as you can see I've returned, if only for a moment ...]

At this point, I feel like I want to wrap things up here.  From the details of my last post, there is a lot of repetition.  I date, the tights get tucked away, I stop dating and the tights come out.  Wash, rinse, and repeat... tumble dry.

So, I'd like to take a moment to reflect a bit upon my tights fetish.  Not only about why I have it, but why other guys have it as well.  I think each of us have our own unique story, with some closely paralleled to others. I've gone over my story in rather significant detail here.  I did not leave that much out (only what I considered repetitious or irrelevant).

Here's my take on a few reasons why us guys have a tights fetish:

1. Sexual intimacy with the female sex, in a safe and controlled way
2. Sexual excitement purely by the tactile sensation
3. Desire to momentarily be the opposite sex

I believe that the first reason is the most common one.  There's no question that tights worn for fashion has a strong female association.  An article closely identified with the opposite sex has a gender assignment.  Wearing it is in essence getting close to the opposite sex.  It is a very intimate and sensual garment. What tights do more uniquely than any other feminine garment is to completely snugly encase the lower half of the body and apply pressure to the groin.  In a way, it's a sensual thing feeling a snug enclosure from something feminine, almost like being "swallowed".  On top of this, the tights material simply feels very good against the skin.

Moving on...

[Carol and I continued to date for almost two years, and I did not seek to involve hosiery in our intimate moments.  I completely stopped wearing tights or unitards.  It was as if the fetish never existed for me.

All good things eventually come to an end.  I wasn't planning on that happening with Carol.  But somehow we were just in different places.  I wasn't ready to settle down, but for her the clock was ticking.  And so we parted ways.  Because we worked at the same place, it was tough having to run into each other nearly every day.  Eventually I changed jobs and moved out of state.]

It was a bit stressful being in a whole new place, with only one friend nearby.  The new job was a mixed situation as well.  While I felt very competent at what I was tasked to do, I was faced with a clique situation and I found it increasingly difficult to "win over" my co-workers.  They were a pretty tight knit little group.  I eventually transferred to another group in the company and that worked out much better.  Dating wise, there weren't any real prospects.  Most of the women at work were married, or in a serious relationship.  Those that weren't were not desirable to me.

In retrospect, I wish I'd had a lot more self confidence.  I was terrible with the club and bar dating scene, about the only venue I knew of to meet women.  I'd made some new friends at work and this was all they knew as well.  I tried to branch out and take some classes in the arts, in hope of meeting up with women in the "real world", but nothing came of that.

I still had a lot of boxes I'd not yet gone through at home, so I figured it was time to cut through them and get it over with.  Some boxes didn't have labels on them and so I left those for last.  Eventually when I got into them, I found one having a zip up duffel bag inside.  When opening that up, I found a tied off garbage bag.  And then inside that... a large collection of tights and unitards.  It was strange to see them again.  I felt oddly detached and yet was keenly aware of how I used to feel about them.  The red footed lycra tights stood out among the rest.  Touching them, I was curious to know if they would feel any different this time around.  So, I slipped them on...

New possibilities, to indulge or not

Now that my girlfriend knew of my fetish, the next thing was... what do I do now?  Did confessing mean I could now wear them in front of her?  Would she be alright knowing when I'm wearing them under my trousers?  Would she be open to the idea of wearing them together when we're indulging in foreplay?

The first step I took was to put them on in front of her while I would be getting dressed for work, completely covered by trousers except for my ankles.  She would make a few glances my way and smile at me when our eyes met.  She actually thought I looked good in them.  And I absolutely loved watching her slip into pantyhose, something she did often for her work "uniform".

The most dreaded fear and revelation

[Fast forward another couple of years...]

* * * * * * * *

At this point, I have amassed a collection of five unitards and about a dozen tights.  Some of the tights are from dance wear suppliers, so they're thick Lycra and seamed on the legs.  But most are women's tights that I've been able to buy from department stores.  There were plenty of trials and failures of buying tights that looked like they'd work out, but then I'd be sorely disappointed by the quality or the fit.  Eventually I found a couple of brands that actually fit me OK.  I started wearing them more often, like in bed and under my clothes.

But unfortunately, insecurity still lurked in the back of my mind.  I wasn't really afraid of rejection at this point, if I'd managed to get caught by a girlfriend (like her rummaging through a box or drawer of mine and finding the tights and unitards).  I feared that my indulgence with the tights was robbing me of my masculinity.   That while I wasn't dating, all of my "bonding" with the nylon stretchiness was forging a stronger tie.

Then I met Carol.

We were working together at the same office and finding that we have a lot in common.  She was rather cute, but engaged to be married, so this was a perfect opportunity to have a platonic girlfriend.  I hadn't had one in a long while.  It's tough with men and women... you need a special dynamic to have a friendship without a sexual angle.  They say that one or both people in a male/female relationship will have an attraction for the other person on a subconscious level, that with the right circumstances can be brought to the surface.  That's why you can be friends with someone for a good stretch, then one day you kind of "wake up" and realize that you're really attracted to them.  Well, with an official acknowledgement of intended betrothal, there was every good reason not to think about attraction.  She wasn't my "ideal" girlfriend.  And, there were other girls at work I was attracted to.  Funny enough, when I confided in Carol that I was attracted to Cindy, a statuesque brunette with super model looks, she sought to become her friend.  Cindy had a boyfriend who was a muscle head.  Of course, right?  But, from what I began to learn from Carol was that she wasn't happy with him.  He took her for granted and was outright rude at times.  Cindy was becoming ambivalent about staying with him.  That's why I decided to make my move. I invited her out to lunch.

Another one bites the dust...

 I certainly enjoyed the unitard while it lasted.  The crotch seam began to separate, but because it was a standard seam and not a flat one, it was fairly easy to repair.  I kept it going for about a year... until, another disappointment on the dating scene caused me to revisit the cause and take the blame out on the unitard.

The resurrection

[A year passed without a unitard or tights.  I eventually broke up with the girl I was dating, as I took a new job on the other coast and she was so rooted in her place that it just made sense to part ways.  She was really special... But she was my first love and I felt like I needed to explore relationships more.  In hindsight, she would've been a great choice.  I don't know who she settled with, but whoever he is, he's one hell of a lucky guy.]

Now I'm living in California.  Oakland isn't the most glamorous Bay Area city, by far, but it's very close to San Francisco.  It was great to finally get out to this part of the country.  I like it so much, I don't think I'll ever go back East.

Well, in getting used to my surroundings and making new friends, I figured that dating would be easier.  People in California are more easy going.  And with San Francisco having such a strong gay community, that means so many more available women!

[A few months go by...]

In time, all things must pass

The unitard gave me a lot of satisfaction for about a year, until I started dating a girl regularly and we slept together for my first time.  I was so nervous and worried about performing that it ensured I wouldn't.  So crazy how I was so excited all the way up until the moment.  It was as if I didn't want it, while I did want it so very much.  She was understanding.  It wasn't her first time, but she was compassionate and patient.  And on the next try, it finally happened.  I was no longer a virgin... at 23.  Yeah, no doubt it was beyond the average at that time, and today it would almost be laughable.  Well, thankfully I wasn't the 40 year old virgin!

Once I made that breakthrough, the whole idea of wearing tights and unitards seemed so juvenile.  A time that would now be over.  I had moved to the next level.  Now, what to do about my unitard.  I had thought about keeping it as something to use for a future costume.  But then, I also had this nagging feeling about how I shouldn't ever wear it again.  Doing so might entice the fetish, and drag me back to where I felt I'd already moved on.  And so...

Making a comeback, above the waist

[I went through the rest of my college years without any further tights experiences.  Just that one I mentioned.  And then there came the transition point between college and first job.  I was living back at home and filling out job applications.  It was slow going, so I took a simple job for the summer at a local hardware store.]

* * * * * * * 

I was home one night having dinner with my folks while watching TV (something we didn't do very often).  There was some kind of special show on with elaborate dance numbers.  All kinds of amazingly fit dancers in skintight outfits were leaping about the stage with lights, smoke and pyrotechnics going off here and there.  And then, I saw it.  Something subtle but it caught my eye.

(red unitard bit from Big Brother)

Over the years I'd seen plenty of shows with dancers donning tights and leotards in all kinds of patterns and colors.  Yet in this show I immediately noticed something different.  There was no seam for the leg opening of the leotard!  The girls were wearing some kind of leotard with legs seamlessly attached to it.  It sure looked like it to me--a complete tights and leotard all-in-one suit.  Wow, did that look cool!  And it seriously prodded my interest.  I had to find out what this was and if I could buy one for myself.

I took the dishes and silverware down to the kitchen and cleaned up.  Before going back upstairs I opened the phone book and jumped to DANCE WEAR.  Sure enough there were several listings in the yellow pages and some with big ads taken out. * Tights, * Leotards, * Unitards.  Unitards?  That must be it!  She was wearing a unitard.  I'd never heard of this before.

Crazy twisted daring

[Remember "Wayne's World", when they swept their hands up and down, fingers wiggling, saying "doodle-a-doo, doodle-a-doo,  doodle-a-doo"?  Well, do that for a bit as we fast forward a few years...]

I'm 19.  It has been a long time since I've written in my tights journal.  Well, I'm not really "writing"; it's kind of my own mental note about this that I might write down one day [and here we are.]  I'm in college and living in a co-ed dorm situation.  It's terrific!  There are all kinds of kids from various walks of life.  There are a few cute girls on my floor too.  We share the same bathroom.  It's weird, but kind of good in that everyone is mostly conscious about not making a mess and leaving it for others to deal with.


Well, it was a crazy Friday night.  School is tough and when the weekend comes, people blow off steam big time.  I live in a very tall dormitory building that has two elevators.  Kind of like an office building.  But inside, it's "good old fashioned" sturdy concrete cinder-blocks everywhere, coated in thick enamel paint.  Just like being in prison, or so I've heard.  ;-)

Not only do we share a bathroom, we also share a laundry room.  We have a decent number of washers, but only two driers.  It sucks, because washers are fast and dryers take a long time.  So, some girls let their stuff hang to dry on a few clothing lines set up in the room.  This Friday night I came back a bit late from a party.  It was like 2am in the morning.  As I made my way down the corridor to my room, I went past the laundry room.  Out of the corner of my eye, I spied them.  Something hanging on one of the clothing lines.  Two long and thin stretches of material hanging.  Tights.  Deep burgundy colored tights.  Nobody was around.  Not a peep.

Mustering up the nerve

[After I destroyed the black tights, I was firm about keeping my fetish suppressed.  I was convinced that suppressing it would cause it to wither, like a plant without water.  Every once in a while, I'd see an attractive girl wearing a very sexy pair of tights (usually black, sometimes red), and I wouldn't be able to help myself liking the look.  But I was determined not to let the fetish get the best of me.]

* * * * * * * *

It's been a while since I wrote in this.  I didn't date the last entry, so I'm not sure.  Could be a couple of years.  Well, the last thing I'd done was to destroy the black tights.  I was really good about keeping tights out of my mind.  I still haven't had a steady girl friend.  I've dated a little, but no sparks.  One girl was into me, but she wasn't as pretty as I wanted.  I'm in love with Farrah Fawcett.  Lee Majors is so damned lucky!  I have several posters of Farrah in my room.  Anyway, it kind of makes it difficult finding lesser girls attractive.  I should probably take down the posters.

Anyway, I don't know how it happened, but I got weak about tights.  I saw this girl wearing a nice dark red pair of tights and they looked so terrific.  And then she took one of her shoes off and started rubbing her foot.  It wasn't like her foot was in pain; it was more like she just liked caressing her tights clad foot.  She rolled her foot around in a circle, over and over... it was kind of hypnotic.  I stared.  And then I sensed something, raising my head up to look, and she caught me starting at her foot.  She kind of gave me a half-smile.  I quickly looked away in embarrassment.  When I looked back she wasn't looking my way any longer and put her shoe back on.  She was standing in a check-out line just one over from where I was.  Her line sped up while mine slowed down.  She checked out and started heading towards the exit.  And then she looked my way for a moment, with no smile.  I looked at her, then she looked away and left.  Wow did she look good in those red tights.  If I'd been brave enough, I'd have left the line and ran to catch up with her.  But what would I say?  "Hey, nice red tights you're wearing!"  Right.

Struggling to rescue myself

[In my last entry, I wrote about how I intentionally destroyed a pair of black tights that actually fit me.  I did it because I wanted "OUT" of this fetish.  I felt it was doing a number on me, making me less appealing to girls even though they didn't know I was wearing them.  In actuality, I was dead right.  It wasn't the tights fetish, but the self imposed ANXIETY over having it.  If I'd accepted and embraced it discreetly, there wouldn't have been any problem.  But this inner struggle affected my confidence in more ways than one.  In some respects, I let the tights fetish stifle a tremendous amount of potential, negatively affecting the course of my life for years to come.]

I stood there, looking at the cut-up shreds of what was once a decent pair of black tights.  Part of me felt sad about it, but a stronger part of me felt this was the right thing to do.  Like a baby who finally sheds his blanket, it was time that I stopped wearing tights.  And why let temptation challenge this?  Any wearable pair of tights available to me would taunt and tease my mind until I'd finally cave in and wear them again.

* * * * * * * *

About a week ago, I was riding in someone's car.  This was a family that was friends with my family.  They have two boys, one about my age.  He and I weren't pals because we lived far enough away by bicycle and in completely different school systems, so it wouldn't be easy to get together.  Plus, we had rather different personalities.  I don't think either of us were feeling like being friends is a high priority.  Anyway, he's in the front seat, his dad is driving, and I'm in the back seat.  I'm wearing black tights under my jeans and the air is warm enough in the car that I'm beginning to notice the tights more.  They weren't uncomfortable, just warming up enough to notice them.  So, Arnie is talking about some girl he was interested in at school.  He had mentioned a few things about her, then said something that perked up my interest--she is studying ballet.  Arnie apparently likes her and is trying to figure out a way to make contact.  His father gives him some very basic advice, but Arnie then mentions a boy in her dance class that she seems very close with, and he's not sure if he's a boyfriend or not.  That's when his younger brother sitting next to me says something like "I don't think you've got anything to worry about, Arnie.  Boys who take ballet are all gay.  Just look at them, they wear friggin' tights!  Hahahahaha."  His dad didn't like what he said, but Arnie agreed with him and laughed.  I sat there, wearing my tights, and feeling like a complete loser.

* * * * * * * *

With that experience fresh in my head again, I quickly put on the black tights and without hesitation, put the scissors to them and figuratively cut myself free.

I felt good.  I felt manly.  I put this God damned fetish behind me.  No more tights to wear.  I will make a point of getting a porno magazine, even if I have to steal it, and learn to masturbate to the pictures of naked women.  And I will not let myself gaze at the tights covered legs of my attractive female classmates.  This is good.  I am going to be alright.  I really am.

The fate of Suburban Tites

I made one last check of my mother's drawer and the yellow tights were not there.  I had no clue as to what she did with them.  Maybe she tossed them?  Maybe my sister did?  Certainly they'd have much less meaning to them than they would to me.  For them, it's just a garment not much different than underwear or socks.  Haven't you ever thrown out a pair of socks you don't wear any more, even though they're still in good enough condition to be worn?  For me, the tights were an extra enjoyment my family would never understand.  To me, they had value. But whatever the case, they were gone.

I made another round of the attic and found nothing.  There was just one last place to look, and that was the top shelves of my sister's closet.  My mother still had some old clothes stashed away up there.  So, with the house to myself, I got a tall chair and started rummaging.  Sure enough, I finally found something promising.  Some garments layered tightly together, with some of them in a black soft nylon material.  There were two pairs of black DANSKIN tights!  I was ecstatic.  I extracted them from the pile and put everything back as it was, climbed down off the chair, put that back, then trotted off to my room.

Not so friendly this time

[After my go-round with wearing tights on stage, I didn't get any further opportunities at the camp.  At home, I was still facing the situation of not having any tights to wear that fit.]

My sister was still taking ballet classes, although from the chatter I heard between her and mom, she was losing interest in it.  She had also started to get careless with her belongings, like losing her ballet shoes.  A friend of hers had a spare pair that fit, so that saved the day.  But then at one point, she could not find her pink dance tights.  No, it wasn't me, honest!  Hahahaha.  Really, I'd have no interest in them, not only because of the color, but because they would barely fit (I tried them on once) and they had that back seam on the leg with extra reinforcement in the foot that looked awful to me.

Care to cross dress?

Like I'd said earlier, the only thing that really interested me with girl's clothes is tights.  Frilly lace panties, bras, shoes, dresses... none of that appealed to me.  So, when one of the counselors at camp wanted me to participate in his spoof play where all the women were really guys dressed in drag, I wasn't all that hip about it.  That is, until I heard that we'd be wearing tights!

[Unfortunately, I have no recollection of what the play was or the plot.  All I recall is that it was about six women who had some funny things to say, and it went on about 30 minutes before all was said and done.  I won't be able to elaborate much more, but will do the best I can.]

 We had like three rehearsals and one dress rehearsal.  The director of the play, Ricky, was definitely having a good time with all this.  I had a feeling he might be gay, based on some of his mannerisms.  It didn't bother me, as he didn't bug me with any flirting.  Confirmation came once we had our dress rehearsal.  I never saw Ricky light up so much, with getting everybody's costumes figured out and fitted.  I ended up in a rather lean form fitting dress that ended about midway up my thighs.  On my feet were flats and on my legs were those white tights from my Mouse That Roared costume.  I was bummed that there were no brown tights in store, or some sleek pantyhose, but I couldn't be too picky.

On performance night, Ricky came into full form.  He was the director but he also took a role in the play too.  When he got his outfit and makeup on in private, we were wondering what would emerge.  Then in a crazy moment, we saw what he'd done and it confirmed what we always suspected:

Openly wearing tights

It was a while... a whole year, until the next summer when I was at camp again.  The drama director got me hooked and I auditioned for a few plays.  I got into two of them, with the lead role in one that would have some interesting costuming involved.

Well, at one point I'm in medieval garb that consisted of a long blue tunic tied to the waist, coming down to just over my crotch.  On my legs?  White tights.  On my feet?  Brown boots.  Tights and boots.  I loved it.  Not only did I get to wear this, twice in dress rehearsal and once on the stage, I was wearing tights openly among other people.  I know... just a costume.  But nevertheless it was a kind of breakthrough for me.

Carrie's reclamation

Carrie, the camp director's wife, came by the theater building and asked about her brown tights.  Uh oh... I didn't realize it, but apparently they were borrowed for the theater production.  Well, they were nowhere to be found, of course.  They were hanging on a tree out in the forest!  ;-)

Carrie wasn't too happy about it.  I don't know why, as tights aren't very expensive.  Certainly she could buy some more.  Or were they some rare tights that are difficult to find?  Anyway, the theater director had everybody start searching for them in the changing and costume rooms.  Naturally, they weren't found.

Later, I went back to the tree and untied the tights.  I figured that maybe I should return them, but by this point they were starting to get a little smelly, like mold.  Probably from getting wet and hanging in the wild.  I should wash them first.  I stuffed the tights into the brown paper bag I brought, then went up to the theater building rest room.  Using some hand soap, I washed the tights in the sink, rinsed them, and wrung them out.  Finally, I found a moment to sneak into the costuming room, then hung the tights on a hangar, wedged between a couple of clothes.  They'd probably dry by the next day and could then be "found"...

* * * Blog will slow down now * * *

I've got other things going on that is now making it difficult to post every day.  Plus, I've got so very few views and absolutely no comments, so nobody is really reading this anyway...

I may post once a week now, if that.

Caught red handed

Oddly enough I somehow forgot about the tights at the end of the next day.  And then it rained overnight.  Then, I remembered them.  Hopefully the trees provided sufficient cover so they didn't get too wet.

In the morning, after breakfast was over and everybody headed out for the day's activities, I didn't have anything immediately pressing.  So, I darted back towards the cabins, veering slightly off the path to check the tree where the tights were stashed.  Sure enough, there they were, still tied to the tree.  But they weren't alone.  A couple of bugs were resting on them!  I quickly brushed them off and then loosened the knot.  Oh damned... they were wet.  I stretched them out and the flapped them in the breeze, which helped get rid of a bit more moisture.  Touching them felt good, though... and I couldn't help myself.

The tree was maybe 10 feet from the path.  It was a big enough tree to hide behind if positioned directly opposite someone else.  But outside of that, it was possible to be seen.  Someone coming down the path would see the tree if the looked at it.  I would have to move along while the person walked by, to ensure I remain hidden.  If I got unlucky and there was two groups of people, then I'd be unable to adequately hide.  Despite that risk... I couldn't resist.  Off went my shorts, underwear, socks, and shoes.  I stood on top of my shoes to keep my feet clean, and quickly slipped on the tights.  There was a nice brief shiver effect, with the remaining moisture evaporating as I slid the tights over my legs.  It sure felt great!

The tights in the woods

Sometimes we have evening activities that go late, and other times activities that end early.  When they end sooner, we end up going back to the cabins for just general relaxation.  Kids read books, play games, listen to music, and what have you.  You're not supposed to go anywhere outside the cabin area, but it's OK to visit other cabins.

When we had finished snack time, everyone headed back to the cabins.  The sun had set and the sky was starting to get darker.  I was invited to play a card game with a bunch of other boys.  I won the first round and the kid who finished last was replaced by another who was waiting to play.  And so, the next round I intentionally played lousy so I'd finish last and be replaced.  After that, I headed to the bathroom.  With my privacy at hand, I adjusted the tights that had become loose around me and about to fall out.  I then headed outside to just have a little walk around.  Nobody was out in the front area, where a pair of tall trees stood.  Although the cabin flood lights pointed toward them, the trees were wide enough to cast a nice dark shadow; one could easily hide behind it.  And that's where I went.  I spent about five minutes waiting to see if anybody would be coming my way.  The coast was clear.  I took off my shorts and my underwear, then laid them on the ground to sit on.  I took out the tights and in about a minute I had them on.  They fit!  They were pretty good quality (and naturally, the "DANSKIN" label was present).  No holes or damage anywhere.  The waist was a little high, but overall the fit was excellent.  Wow!  It had been so long since I'd worn tights, let alone ones that fit well.

Side benefits of the stage

Every summer I go with my sister to a summer sleep away camp.  They have a lot of different activities to do, including theater acting.  I like to play sports and go swimming a lot.  I also really like photography, making use of the lab to develop and print film.

Last summer was a bit different than usual.  I was asked to be in a play.  I'd never been in one before, so I didn't know what to expect.  But it worked out pretty well.  I had fun, got noticed in a positive way, and managed to get a few girls interested in me.  Each summer there are about seven productions, one per week with two in the final week.  I ended up in three productions.

This summer the theater director made a point of getting me involved early.  I guess I was good enough last year and a few roles this summer were very well suited to me.  The cool thing was that some productions had certain wardrobe needs.  You guessed it.  Tights.  I wasn't fortunate enough to have a role that required wearing them, yet, but there was one role where a pair of thick brown tights was needed.  A boy just a few years younger than me got the role.  His name is Evan.  I was kind of envious of him, yet, I was in a production with a role that was much better.  When Evan wore his costume for the play, I noticed that the tights were a bit too long for him.  Evan was shorter than me, yet a bit fuller.  So, I figured that those tights he was wearing should fit me.  If I could manage to get a hold of them.  ;-)

Purple haze of frustration

[I'd had maybe a dozen more experiences with wearing the purple tights with a "happy ending."  Despite gaining a little more height and weight, they still fit... although not as well as I would have wanted.  I didn't have much choice, though.]

* * * * * * * *

We've moved.

I didn't want to, as I loved my room and the house.  The new house we have moved to has left me with a slightly smaller room.  My sister got the bigger room.  Apparently it was "her turn" for the more desirable room, despite the fact that I'm the oldest and more responsible one.  There was also the argument that her wardrobe is bigger than mine.  Anyway... after a while, I dropped my side of the argument and sought to look at the benefits of my room.  First and foremost, it is further away from my parent's bedroom, which is a big benefit for more privacy.  Second, I have a better view of the back yard and the nicer house next door.  Also, with the location of the staircase, I have a much better route of escape from my sister's room; right to the bathroom, without being seen.  From my room, it is easy to see the doorway from the staircase, and so that makes it very hard to make a visit and escape without being caught.

Onto adolescence

Without the blue tights to wear, I had little choice but to wear the purple tights.  And each time I did, there was a risk of damaging them, stretching them out enough to be noticed, or getting caught.  I couldn't ever remember my sister wearing them.  I really don't know why... maybe they had been meant for a certain outfit that fell out of favor.  They didn't go with anything else she typically wore.  But I was thankful of that because without them, I don't know what other tights I could have gotten.  And now, my time with them was growing short.

* * * * * * * *

[Another couple of years went by.  I was now twelve years old.  I had tried wearing the tights less often.  It would be once every couple of weeks, maybe even longer.  I did get busy with other things.  There was also my rising interest in girls.  I really did like them and had a crush on a couple in my school.  But... I was not a confident boy.  I was timid.  I was also dealing with bullies.  Oh yeah, the bullies.  How could I completely forget to write about them earlier?  But then, this is a tights diary.  Perhaps it might be worth mentioning that it wasn't just the wearing of tights that weakened my self esteem, but also the atrocious horrible nature of boys who like to bully.  I was a sensitive boy and it was very hard for me to hide my feelings.  The perfect target.  Funny enough... good looking kid, reasonably strong physique, and academically smart.  I should have been a popular kid, top player on a school team, desired by girls.  Well, I was desired, as I'd later find out... oh how many times I missed realizing that those compliments were given in a friendly off-hand way because girls hate being obvious.  But, they weren't obvious enough for me.  I didn't have the awareness, the understanding of the subtle cues that signaled "she likes you."  And so... when I was not responsive enough for a few girls, they started thinking I might be gay.  Well, I wasn't very close with any girl in particular, only engaging in just friendly chit-chat with the ones I knew; no broadcast of signals like "I'm attracted to you."  Yet, I was... I was just unsure about how to show it.  So, in time, there would be a couple of more hardened girls that would decide to make me a target as well.  You're not interested in me?  Then you're a faggot.

All of this social pressure began to take its toll on me.  I attributed it partly to the tights.  That wearing them weakened me, feminized me, made me less appealing.  So, I attempted to practice abstinence.]

From ecstacy to misery

[I had a wonderful night with the blue tights in my bed, but couldn't get over the shameful feelings I felt about it.  I would be the next evening, Friday night, when my parents would go out for a late evening and my sister was over at a friend's house again.  I'd had a play date with a friend that night but his parents had to reschedule it for Saturday.  So, I was all on my own again.  Naturally, tights would resurface to occupy my mind.  It was, after all, a fantastic opportunity to indulge in them once more.]

* * * * * * *

As soon as my parents were out of the house, I raced upstairs to my room and got out the blue tights.  Excitedly, I stripped off my pants, underwear, and socks, then slid on the tights with deft precision and care.  If you didn't know any better, you'd say I was a ballet dancer with how fast I could get on a pair of tights.

Ecstacy in blue

Now that I had a long forgotten pair of tights for my own, I didn't have to worry about sneaking into my sister's drawers or worry about her tights being missed.  What a relief!  Since my mom had them deep in a box tucked away in the attic, she wasn't planning on wearing them again any time soon.  They were mine, all mine!  :-D

Mom's secret cache

I kept wearing the purple tights when I could get some time alone and not get caught.  But I knew that the more I wore them, the more they would get stretched out and my sister might notice it.  Also, there would also be more chances that they might get damaged.

My sister didn't have any other tights that were big enough for me.  It was time to try finding where my mother put her tights.  I knew she had worn some before, but I couldn't remember them very well.  There might have been some in black, white, yellow, and blue... I think.  But where were they, if not in her dresser drawers?

Mom was doing laundry and my sister was downstairs, so I made my way up into the attic.  There were a few old dressers in there, plus some boxes, and an odd looking cabinet with a big door and a small drawer below it.  I rummaged through the boxes first and found piles of shirts, pants, some socks, baby clothes, and not much else.  Next was the dressers.  Same kinds of clothes.  Ah!  The navy blue tights my mother had taken from me years ago!  Alas, they were way too small now.  :-(

Tempting fate

It was a Friday night and I didn't have anywhere to go.  I didn't make any plans to be with friends and just expected to be home.  My mom went out and left us to our own resources--no baby sitter.  My sister Nina had a couple of her friends over.  One named Betty and the other one Theresa.  I didn't find any of them attractive, but Theresa came over wearing these stunning red tights.  She took off her black low heeled shoes and walked around the house with her tights covered feet.  At one point my sister asked her if she brought a nightie with her, but Theresa said she didn't.  "What will you sleep in?  Do you want to borrow a nightie of mine?"  "Um, no that's OK.  I'll just sleep in my tights."  "Your tights?  Huh... are you sure you don't want to borrow a nightie?"  "Nah, that's OK.  I like wearing tights."

Of course that last bit perked my ears up and raised my opinion of Theresa considerably.  :-)

The nylon trigger

[After my first experience with the purple tights, having my first orgasm, I stopped wearing tights for nearly half a year, maybe longer.  And then, something triggered it...]

Each year in school, I see most of the same kids.  But there is almost always a new kid or two.  This month we started 5th grade, and a girl named Melissa joined our class.  She is almost my height, with dark blonde hair, and a nice smile.  I really have a kind of crush on her.  But, she seems more interested in two other boys in our class.  I'm jealous of that attention.  I've tried talking to her a few times, and she's friendly enough, but she doesn't ask me any questions.  She's just not that interested in me.  I felt less of myself because of this.

I wouldn't have mentioned Melissa, except that she has one quality about her that makes her even more attractive to me.  She wears tights.  Lots of tights.  Almost every day she has tights on, and with either sandals or open toed shoes.  It's only in the winter when she wears shoes that cover her feet completely.

Impassioned by purple

[It would be another passage of time, perhaps a good year or so, where I didn't try to wear any tights.  I'd thought about it, but the conditions were too risky.  I kept myself busy with other things.  Until one day...]

* * * * * * * *

I am almost 10 years old now.  I had forgotten to write in my book.  I am VERY upset, because my parents are no longer together.  My daddy moved out.  They told me and Nina that they could not get along and so they cannot stay together.  I do not know what to do about this, except that I feel so very bad.  Some of my friends have parents who broke up too.  I never thought it would happen to me, but it finally did.

It had been a while since I wore tights.  I may have worn them a few times here and there, but it would be risky and I wouldn't have them on for long, before putting them back.  Now that daddy was not living with us anymore, I feel like I need something.  I am taller than my sister, and my legs are thicker, so I just assumed none of her tights would fit me any more.  But I had not looked in her drawer for a long while.

Exposure to ballet

After school, mommy would take us to the YMHA-YWHA for activities (Hebrew version of YMCA).  I was very interested in ceramics.  My sister was too, but mommy wanted her to study ballet.  She started classes at age 7.  She wore a black leotard and pink tights.  At first I was curious about the tights, but I didn't like the color.  Plus, I was taller than her and I knew they wouldn't fit.  I had no interest in the leotard.

A wet tights dilemma

It was a snow day.  It came down very thick and heavy overnight and we had about 3 feet of snow.  It was delightful, because we also got a snow day off from school!  My friend Ronnie who lived a few blocks away had called me up to come over and go sledding with him.  I got my snow pants and socks together and started getting dressed, when I had this idea... how it would be warmer if I had tights on.  I had squirreled away a pair of navy blue tights from my sister, which I had not seen her wear in a long time, and decided to put them on.  I left my underwear off.  I instantly got a thrill putting them on, and even more so when my ski pants were on, with my tights covered feet showing below.  I then put my sweat socks on over them got my heavy shirt on, and went downstairs for my coat and snow boots.  Mom was in the kitchen and I told her where I was going.  Off I went!

Daring to layer it on

After my experience with Mrs. Blausen's tights, I couldn't stop thinking about the idea of wearing them again.  And I couldn't wait to try taking them the next time.  But I wanted to wear them now... and so, I waited for an opportunity when I was alone and went back to my sister's room.  I opened her tights drawer and looked them over.  The familiar crowd was still there.  Except... the red tights were gone.  Maybe they were in the wash?  I kept looking, and then realized that she had more tights in another drawer!  Why did I not see them before?  Maybe Nina or mommy moved them around.  I found a pair in dark blue with a whitish pattern through it.  They did not have a tag on them and the way the seams were, I knew they weren't DANSKIN tights.  But they looked like they might fit.  I also grabbed the maroon tights, ones I knew were smallish but could still fit me.  And why not take a few more I hadn't tried yet?  I figured some might be more stretchy when put on.

And so it begins, the next level

 [It would be a while again before I would attempt to indulge in tights again.  This next entry is probably a year later]

* * * * * * * *

After mommy forced me to go to school with the tights on, I didn't want to wear tights any more.  I was so ashamed and mad at myself.  I did not think I could ever do it again.  I still could not help looking at girl's legs in my class.  It's funny, but when Nina wears tights I don't want to look.  It's only other girls and sometimes seeing older girls and mommies wearing them that calls to me.  My friend Tim's mommy, Mrs. Blausen loves to wear opaque tights and pantyhose.  She has this great pair of dark purple colored tights that look so terrific.

Wearing tights to school

So it is over.  My mother caught me again and is now on the alert.  I don't have a chance at wearing the tights again.  If I get caught, she'd be so angry with me.  I must not do this again.  Tights are not for me.  I must think of something else.

[At this point, I am devastated at having been caught and resolve never to wear tights again.  I was sad, but then I was also determined to do the right thing.  Little did I know what was to come.]

* * * * * * *

It was the winter time when I wrote the last message.  It is now fall.  The leaves are changing to bright colors and the air is getting cooler.  Mommy took us clothes shopping and I got some new things.  My coat is navy blue and it looks like I am a navy guy.  I asked mommy for some high black boots, but she said I do not need any more shoes.  Nina got some clothes too, but I didn't see everything she got.  When we were finally home, we went upstairs to put the clothes away.  That is when I saw bright red.  Nina got some new tights, and one pair was red with twisty lines on the legs that you can feel.  New tights.  For my sister.  This is not good for me.

* * * * * * *

Wrath of Mom, part II

It has been some months since I wrote last.  I do not know why I am not able to stop thinking about tights.  In school, there are so many girls wearing bright colored tights.  Some girls look sad to me, because the tights are loose and sagging on their legs.  But some girls look delightful where the fit is snug and their legs look so nice.  My favorite color is red, by far.  There was a girl named Tracey who had on very dark maroon tights.  She took off her shoes when she was sitting at her desk and wiggled her feet in the air with her toes pointed.  I was hypnotized by it and again, the teacher called on me when I wasn't paying attention.  I have to get good at not being noticed!

* * * * * * *

When I got home, the first thing I did was to go to upstairs before my sister did, go to her dresser, and take the maroon tights.  I went back to my room and put them on.  They fit small, but I stretched them to fit.  I so wished they were thicker and longer.  But I liked them on me anyway.  I don't know why I like them so much, but I don't care so long as I am wearing them.

"Nyle!!"

Got tights?

Jennifer came over again yesterday, but she forgot the tights for me!  She wasn't wearing tights either.  I was sad about this.  I wanted to talk to her about tights some more, but her mother started looking at me when she heard me say "tights", so I didn't say anything more.

I am not happy with Jennifer.  But maybe it's her mom, not letting her take tights from the house.  Maybe Nina had some she'd forgotten, in a drawer or box somewhere else?  I went into her room and asked her about her tights.  [I was pretty bold at this point, because my mother had ridiculed me only once before.  I didn't consider that my sister might tell her about my "unusual" request.  Thankfully, she didn't].  I told her that I'd like to try on some and for her to show me which ones were the newest.  She showed me some white ones, but they looked small.  "They're my party tights."  I guess she wore these with a dress when she went to parties.  I was in my underwear, and so I took the tights and tried to put them on.  But the feet were too small.  I asked her to show me others.  "Don't stretch them out, OK?"  I rummaged around and found the maroon ones again.  I was on another growth spurt and these were fitting smaller on me now, so I wanted another pair.  Before I could even think of putting them on, mommy called up to us.  She wanted to take us shopping.  So we left.

A Tights Request

I am so happy that Jennifer and her sister Julia came over for a visit.  Julia plays with Nina (my sister) and Jennifer plays with me.  Sometimes we all play together, but mostly Jennifer and I do our own thing.  It's weird.  She's a girl and she's my friend.  All of my other friends are boys.  She is almost like a sister to me, but I like her much more than Nina.  Nina can be so annoying sometimes.  She's not very smart either but she sure knows how to bug me.

Jennifer and I were in the playroom and doing some games together when I heard noises outside.  A couple of my friends were there!  They had bugged me earlier to play but I told them I couldn't, there was company coming over.  So they crept up all the steps to our house and went in the back to scout me out, those buggers!  I want to be alone with Jennifer, so I wish they wouldn't bother me!  So, we left the room and went into the den where the TV is.

Jennifer had on a pair of red colored tights, and to me they looked so great.  I asked her some questions about the tights.  I can't remember everything I asked.  I will try to remember [I really can't remember much, so I'll have to improvise and fill in gaps].

"Do you like wearing your tights?"  "Yeah, I guess so."  "Do they feel nice?"  "Yeah."  "I like how they look on you.  Do you think I could try them on?"  "I don't know.  I don't have anything else to wear."  "Oh yeah.  Do you have a lot of tights at home?"  "I have a bunch, I think."  "What colors?"  "I don't know, some orange, blue, purple, green, yellow, and these red ones."  "Do you think you could bring me a pair when you come next time?"  "OK, I guess so."  "Any color is OK, just pick the longest ones."  "Alright."  "Can you try to remember?"  "Yeah, I'll try.  Let's go play some games."  "OK!"

[Pretty funny, how this six year old thought to ask his play friend to bring him some tights, because his mom wouldn't buy him any!]

I was a little unsure about Jennifer being able to remember.  The last time I asked her she forgot.  Anyway, after the day was over and she was going home, I whispered in her ear "And don't forget the tights, OK?"  Maybe she will remember next time.

The next best thing

I looked everywhere I could think of, but they were not to be found.  Not in the box in the basement.  Not in the storage bins of old clothes.  The navy blue tights were gone.  I wonder if mommy threw them out.  But why would she do that?  They were perfectly good.  I didn't want to ask her, because she'd probably get mad at me for wanting them.

* * * * * * * *

I'm sorry.  It is almost two months later now.  I forgot to keep writing.  Maybe you can think of this as all one day.  I could not find the navy blue tights.  My sister Nina wears tights, but she is younger than me and her tights are going to be too small.  I thought maybe I could stretch on a pair, but then they would be stretched out and she would notice.  Nina is at a friend's house today.  Mommy is downstairs.  Daddy is out playing golf.  I know what to do.  I will go in her room, and keep listening.  If mommy starts coming upstairs I can sneak out of her room before she notices. I will go to the bathroom and if she does not leave I will put the tights in the hamper.  That is, if I find any that I can take.

My treasure is taken from me

 I was going to go over to my friend's house across the street to play.  But before I went, somehow I got the idea that it would be fun to wear tights under my pants.  I got out the navy blue ones and put them on, then put my pants on over them.  I can't remember now, but I think my pants were like dark slacks, not jeans.  The tights were smooth with the pants and walking felt good.  I went over and we played some games.  My friend's parents had just cleared out a room and replaced the floor with a very smooth stuff [probably vinyl tiles].  It was slippery!  My friend took off his shoes and left on his socks, then ran and stopped quickly, so he would slide.  It was neat!  Kinda like being on ice.  Before I took my shoes off, it suddenly came to me that I was wearing tights!  Uh oh.  Well, maybe they wouldn't be noticed.  They are navy blue and so they can look like socks.  I took off my shoes and saw my tights covered feet.  I felt guilty and also kind of happy about it.  So I ran a bit, stopped short, and let my feet slide.  The tights were smoother than my usual socks, so I slid pretty far.  This was fun!  We must have done this for about an hour until we were exhausted.  I quickly checked the bottom of my feet and was happy to see no holes [these tights have a reinforced heel and toe, so they are opaque at the stress points and easily pass as socks].  This was the first time I let anyone (except for mom) see that I was wearing tights, but they didn't know about it.

Later when I went home, I took off the tights and put them back in my drawer.  I briefly wondered about what to do if the tights get dirty or smelly, because I don't know how to wash clothes.

* * * * * *

I am five years old

Before I begin, I need to set the stage of where I am and what the situation is.  My mother used to dress me in tights when I was an infant, up until I was about 3 years old.  From what I learned later, this wasn't unusual as tights are a very convenient garment to keep a child's legs warm.  But my memory would serve to remind me that I had wore them and that they felt very comfortable.  So later on when I turned five and started attending kindergarten, I started noticing girls in my class with them on.  It was the late 1960's, so little girls were commonly dressed up in bright colorful tights.

Hi.  My name is Nyle and I'm five years old.  I found this book with blank pages in it.  I am a good student in school and I am learning how to write.  I do not know why but it comes easy to me.  I learned that people have these books and call them diaries.  "Dear Diary" is how they always start a new page.  I'm not going to do that cause I think it's silly.  You are not writing to the book but you are just writing.  I don't know.  OK, I am wasting space.  I should start writing something that has a meaning.

Today something kind of strange happened.  I think I will tell this story to start my diary.

My play friend named Jennifer came over to my house today.  She lives upstairs from our old apartment and is one year older than me.  We just moved in here last month. It's a big place!  Much bigger than the apartment we had before.  I love having my own room!!  Anyway, Jennifer and I decided to play dress up.  We went to the basement and found a box of old clothes that I used to wear.  It was funny!  I found this baby thingie that is like a sleep sack with arms and legs and a hood.  Jennifer found some funny looking shorts and a coat.  Well, we started putting on anything that we could get to fit.  After a bit I found this navy blue stretchy thing with legs.  Jennifer said they are tights.  Yes I know that, Jenny!  I remembered wearing these now.  My mommy used to dress me in them, some in bright colors too.  In the den, my mommy put up on the wall a photo that daddy took of me, with a blue shirt on and red tights on my legs.  I was looking up at him with a big smile.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to put the tights on.  They were kinda small, but I got them to fit.  Jennifer laughed at me.  "Oh those look so cute on you," she said.  And then we put on other things and finally ran out of stuff to put on.  We then decided to do a parade.  We walked around the house like this, and we were so silly, laughing all the time.  It was fun.  I really like Jennifer.  I can't remember when we became friends.  Mommy says it was before I could talk in full sentences.

Later in the day, Jennifer had to leave with her mommy and sister.  Mommy was going to get dinner ready and asked me to put the clothes back in the basement.  So I went back there and took off everything, putting them in the box like she asked.  But then there's these old tights.  They were fun to wear again.  Why should I put them back?  I think I'll take them back to my room, so I can wear them again any time I want.  I went to my sock drawer and put the folded tights next to my dark blue socks, then closed the drawer.

I am looking around my room. It is a good size.  My single bed fits in it with some room on each side.  I even have my own little desk with a small window, and then a big two piece window that lets you see the street far below (the house is on a big hill with many trees).  I am so happy I am here and that Jennifer can visit me!

OK, I think I have said enough for today and hope I remember to write more tomorrow.  Bye.

Why did this happen to me?

I really didn't ask for it.  There was this desire, this curiosity that wanted to be satisfied.  I had no idea what was coming, what the consequences of my choice would be and how it would affect me for the rest of my life.  How could I know?  I was only a child.  I didn't have any clue of what subconscious cross association would take place.  A very big part of me for most of my life wished it had never happened.  How different my life might have been, I'd often lament.

So what choice could it be that is so horrible?  Well, the gravity of whether it is horrible or benign is strictly up to perspective.  For most of my life, I felt it was a kind of curse.  The choice, was to seek out and wear... tights.

What?  That's it?

It's not quite so benign sounding, when you consider the mind of a sensitive young boy, who is finding himself sexually confused by this interest and afraid for his future.  It wasn't a sexual thing at first.  Later, that would change.  But perhaps the best way to communicate all this is to start from the beginning.

It's a very long story.  I could write a short essay in a few pages, but the nuances of the experience would be lost.  I want to tell this story from the perspective of me, at the times I experienced it.  As a boy, getting older, dealing with this troubled part of my life.  The trauma, the joy, the fear, the ecstasy, the humiliation, and the revelation.  In doing so, I will be revisiting these memories for myself.  I have a terrific memory... I can remember far more than is good for me, because people who were part of my deep past (relatives and friends) often can't remember what I do, which leaves me alone with most of my memories.  Some of them are buried, awaiting excavation, so gradually revisiting the times they happened unearths them.  I get to experience them all over again, in a kind of duality--remembering how I thought and felt then, but also observing this as an adult.  My hope is in doing so, I also help bring some closure to any unresolved feelings lingering behind.  And, in kind, I do this in view of the public eye, so that those who share similar experiences can obtain some closure for themselves, gain some understanding about the fetish being an outsider to it, or satisfy a curiosity.

I don't know if I'll post every day, but I'll try to.  I may also have to go back and "fill in" some experiences that happened earlier, which I'll indicate with a band of asterisks between content.  I will also insert adult commentary, using brackets [like this].  I don't know how long this is going to take.  It might be a couple dozen entries.  I will try not to be too verbose.  There will be some things I remember that aren't really needed to say and would distract from other things more significant.  I will likely go back and trim down stuff I've written, if I feel it's too much.  In the end, I will make a self-analysis of the whole thing.  Maybe I'll have enough worthy of a degree in tights fetish psychology.  ;-)

And so, without further delay, I should get this thing started.  I hope you find it interesting and... beneficial, if you're someone who also has a tights fetish.  Maybe you've also struggled with it.  Or perhaps you've been lucky and had supportive people around you that you can trust.  I couldn't trust anyone.  My mother showed nothing but anger and intolerance.  Knowing my stepfather, I feared he would have labeled me a homosexual and sent me into intensive psychotherapy against my will.  I had to keep it secret.  But all those details will come out eventually.  So, I should get started...